Wednesday, 4 April 2012

dark romantic

In the spirit of finishing those experiments I mentioned last time, I've spent about 25 hours working on our lab's fluorescent microscope in the past week. Besides the obvious operating-the-microscope part, this also involves sitting in a specially cooled, 3x3 meter room, with walls painted black and no light bar that which the microscope itself throws at my sample on the stage, and a dim computer screen that I view the images on.  Spend enough time in the bat-cave that is the microscope room, and it's easy enough to go a little bat-nuts, especially in the moments (I've had many, many such moments) where stuff just doesn't want to work. That said, I love this microscope, lasers and all (in my science-warped head,  she's my baby), and this room can be as much a sanctuary as a mad-house.

I woke up this morning frustrated and exhausted- in the past 72 hours, just as I've decided to finally get round to basal testing, my blood sugar's gone bats on me. I've been chasing lows, I spike a little, I plummet back down low, I spike a lot, i level out, i plummet again... on and on it goes. add to that my CGM alarms that kept going off all night last night, convinced that I was dying, when this really was the one time I was level and in range.well, until i went low again as my alarm went off this morning...

suffice it to say I was in a dark mood when i got to the lab this morning. As I opened up the microscope room, surveying the quiet, the gloom, the little blinking lights on the monitors and boxes- there was a heavy, velvet peace in the air. As if the electronic darkness spoke to me, welcomed me into the sanctuary.
"hello, darkness, my old friend"
but a heavy darkness, not Art Garfunkel's, as melodic as his is. no, this darkness is deeper than that. And so today I share with you an old favourite, and the soundtrack to my refuge in the microscope room this morning.

The music, like an old friend, lifts my spirit a little, sparks some life in my gloom. My mood may still be dark, I may still be stuck in this dark bat-cave sanctuary for a while, my body may still be stuck on the glucocoaster. but i have hope and i seek patience. my sugars will level out. this work will finish.

It may still be dark where I am. So today, I'm calling myself a dark romantic. And I wait for the light.

[hat tip to the Awakening, by the way. An old favourite SA goth band, and owners of the music in the video and link]

Monday, 2 April 2012

oh, hey...

Oh, hey, blog... you look kinda familiar... I know you from somewhere, right? Oh,
wait, you’re my blog? my sorely neglected blog. ah. Right. Sorry… *awkward
silence*… It’s just that, I’ve been busy and swamped… Doing what? Well, half
killing myself trying to finished my experiments for my thesis mostly… what’s
that?... Oh, no... No, I’m not done yet. Hopefully, I’ll be done with the experiments
by easter. (Or maybe just after)(never mind that I’ve been say ‘hopefully I’ll be
done with experiments <sometime in the next few weeks> since Christmas.
Stupid experiments. Stupid OCD and needing to have everything nicely wrapped
up)… yes, then I still have to write the actual thesis… Well, I’ve got the first
two chapters, kinda, more or less… I’ve kinda hit a brick wall with that, some
scientific writer’s block. I’m kind of a little bored with it, ok??... yes, I may have
been procrastinating a little bit… well, I’ve done a bit of traveling the last few
months... no, not that much, just more than you would expect of someone who’s
meant to be finishing a MSc… sure, I’ll show you some pictures sometime…

Hey, you know what? You’ve actually kinda been on my mind lately. Yup, just
the other day (last Friday, to be precise), it was a year since the medical aid freak out. I know, crazy, huh? A year since something snapped, a year since the
proverbial ball started rolling, in the direction on medical aid changes, insulin
pumping, CGMing, discovering the DOC, and even starting you blog, sorry
state that you’re in. I may have remained primarily a lurker in the DOC, but
nonetheless, much has changed, much has improved.. strange, huh?

Huh, a whole year...Only a year…

*awkward silence… groping for something to talk about...*


*grasp on small talk flails wildly, looking for a topic that won’t leave me rambling
to my blog for the next hour or so…*


*...and closes on--- nothing*

ok… well, I should get going, need to get back to what I was doing, and, uh,
stuff. But hey, we should stay in touch. Yeah, I’ll totally stop by for a longer chat
sometime. Soon, soon. And I’ll bring photo’s. I really do have lots of photos. Ok,
cool to see you again.